I can't believe this is me

i need to write all this down to understand it and take some control while i still can. i think i am quite sick. i don't think i sound sick on the internet but in person i know i am weird and confused and anxious and emotional. i haven't stepped foot outside this house for five years. i have agoraphobia. i fall to pieces when the boys start getting aggressive and throw each other around. i don't know if they are being violent or if they are being normal brothers play fighting and antagonizing each other. 

i also have bipolar, schitzoeffective disorder, PTSD and i dissociate when confronted with anything threatening, and because I've kept myself in a cage for 5 years i think i have encouraged my mind to see my hallucinations most days and some of the hallucinations, they are not so frequent but have taken on a sinister approach. i always had voices in my head. i can remember at the age of 4 i had an imaginary friend, she was my shadow and i called her Michelle. when there was trouble in the house and the whole house seemed to shake under the weight of screaming voices and loveless commands for me to go to my room. sometimes my big brother Andrew would come and talk to me and play with my toys with me so i didn't have to listen to the fighting. when Andrew wasn't at home i would sneak outside, trying not to be seen or heard or asked where i was going. when i got out into the sunlight i could see Michelle, she was my shadow, to me she was someone i needed to look after. if i could see her in the sunlight then so could all the shouters and blame shifters and people who were to far gone to love with generosity and dare to be taught by the children how to soften your approach and treat the children like they had something to offer. 

so i saw Michelle in the sunlight and i ran as fast as my little 4 year old legs would take me. there was refuge for Michelle and i in a small little shed made out of fence palings and it was dark in there. Michelle was safe there, in the darkness, out of sight. we both sat in the corner of the shed, away from the doorway, and we talked to each other. i would guarantee her safety and reassured her and comforted her. all of the communication between us was always in my head. but i could communicate with her safely. she had access to they goings on in my head. when it was overcast and raining i still went to that shed and talk to the walls waiting for Michelle, worried about her because she is so delicate and she needed me.  i don't think Michelle was just your run of the mill invisible friend. we had very definable rolls. she was frail and terrified and i was brave and resourceful and my priority was looking after her, talking about fun things and making her laugh but not vocally, always in my head and she responded by being quiet as a church mouse and trusting of me. i believe Michelle was the beginning of my dissociation. my dissociation has developed over the years. whenever something traumatic happened i left the shouts and threats and anger away from that situation and i would find somewhere safe to be still, be quiet, be insignificant to these people who communicated like they hated each other. i have taken this part of my life as an adult. if i am experiencing a serious fight between the boys i start to cry an stop them if i can and the i go to my bed, sometimes for day and i am unresponsive, negating to take my meds and just fading into silence.

i really don't want to talk about that any more today. and i totally bypassed the topic that is troubling me at the moment. myself and the kids have decided that Jesse should be in charge or the money.my money.i thought i had assured myself that this was a good solution . i now the last few months have been ridiculously incapable of doing small things. it feels sad for me to lose the Independence i have managing my money. i am having a really hard time and i don't really know how to fix it. i dont know if i am getting ready to mourn my job of providing the kids their financial needs.if i am to be honest, i have had to ask for assistance occasionally from a charity that deals with fresh food donations. i haven't done that in a long time, probably since i stopped leaving the house. anyway, the problem is i feel myself slipping some days. i slip into my hallucinations. i slip into dissociation. i stay up all night and sleep during the day and if i do too much of that my bipolar kicks in. i don't want to be one of those mentally ill people who you know cant come back from when they were healthy. these things are very sad for me but i will shit twice and get fucked before i submit to the life filled with these disorders, i managed to get a physiotherapist to come to my home and give me excersizes to gain strength. i am trying to do them every day. and its excersize that's not punishing. i find it motivational. every time i do them i think to myself "this is another step to being who really am, for me, for the boys". for everyone who has helped me when i needed help.

i have to go. thanks for reading. 
jo   xoxoxoxo