i miss my younger years, not really the drugs that i miss. i just miss the opportunities and having contact with my old girlfriends. i cant do that anymore as i have agoraphobia. i miss doing what i want to do. this week i had a huge argument with Kobe . you know i cant even remember what it was about. i realized sometime in the last week that i have sped through stages, relationships, with men or without. no fucking wonder really, 2 parents, 1 an alcoholic and the other a pill head. they were both pretty non entities. my elder sister raised me and she was a fantastic mum. when she found a man she loved she left the family home, she found a new role to fulfill her new life and she dropped me like a hot potato. she left me when i was 11, she left me to live with the old people who had not much to do with me. bingo and beer down the bar. it was then that things went pear shaped for me. i was 11 went 2 different instances of sexual assaults occurred. they just touched me very inappropriately and they were definitely in control of the situation, obviously seeing me and grooming me for probably more than they got. that's the thing with me. i may not know whats about to happen and i try to be positive about people. and then instead of being stunned and unable to move i run, i run and don't look back. its hard to run away in front of a whole lot of people, i don't know, but i just ran.the man who copped a good ole feel of my 11 year old body in a split second changed his demeanor to anger in his face and him and a couple of his friends that he'd brought with him, they all stopped joking, not at me, at my dad. i my guess is as good as yours. he was a 2 pot screamer. that's slang for a couple of beers and you're drunk.
i definitely believe them to have been laughing at him. it would have hurt him and shaken his cage but in my mind , i loved my dad and i love the way he took care of me. sometimes he made me feel really special and i didn't want that to change. i didn't want to be one of the kids who he growled or ignored. i didn't feel any resentment for his shortcomings.i just wanted to remain a daddy'd little girl. so anyway, that's when the drinking started for me. one of my brothers had a recent 21st so it was easy to drink as the drinks fridge was in the garage. vermouth and beer for me until it was half gone.
i need to stop thinking about certain topics and this is one of them. the worst thing about depression when you are on lithium is every thing is dulled down, or pushed down to the pit of your stomach so you don't have to feel it. i don't know what lies ahead foe me and depression this week. in someways i don't mind my depression. sometimes it feels like the arrival of an old friend. i can count of it turning up and it feels like a stabilization. i don't do any acting out during depression. there are no surprises during my depressions. my need for allies turns me into a sorry machine. at the top of the list for understanding or listening to what its been like for them and what its like for them when i go into depression. they fill up on my jokes and anecdotes and stories and general silly talk. when i am depressed, really depressed, bed bound and silent. they look after me, with practical things like making me food, doing my laundry keeping the house quiet and sitting with me, knowing that i can't reciprocate the laughter and the sparkle and the unity between both of them. although i can not move i love them keeping me company. i think it weakens and shortens my depression, much like skin on skin touch and massage is more important to me and i can feeling the healing straight away, instead of throwing back some pills.i have to go...my mind has said "enough"
jo xoxoxox
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