i believe i've had a break through. for the last 15 i've slept with lights on all over the house and each tv left on. the last words my ex said to me all those years ago were "i am gonna find you and when i do i am gonna blow your fucking face off your head. and when i get out jail i am gonna come back and do it again" after eight years of violence from this man i believed his threats. 

so i was diagnosed with PTSD. i used to sit on the edge of my bed half the night and make myself ready for him to find me and do me harm. 15 years of that. i was consumed with how to ensure my family's survival should he turn up. i put a jar of ammonia on a shelf next to the door to splash his face and buy me some time. i had the car keys on a hook by the back door and slip on shoes for me and the kids. i took some nails out of the back fence so we could fit through and run to the car. most of the time after the kids had gone to school , i would sit on the sofa with a clear view of the driveway, it was like i was in a trance, i couldnt move. i was so sure he'd find us.

anyway, back to the break through. i decided it was time to turn the tv's off and the lights off and get into bed and try to sleep. 7 hours later i woke up. i haven't had 7 hours sleep since i was a teenager. i was impressed with my efforts. another symptom of PTSD gone.  i feel like i've made a grown up step forward. right now i tell myself that it's my PTSD, my mental health , not his anymore to hit and throw things at and all that he did. so its my diagnoses, not his. and with that awakening i tested out my thoughts and thats when the 7 hours of sleep happened. i am really happy to know that i can take my mind off those frightening, mind fucking days that i spent giving him my energy, my time, my fear, my obsession with keeping the 2 kids safe .

to anyone who reads this and has PTSD, i want you to know that it gets easier with time. hang in there and stay safe.

jo xoxoxox

oh shit, the cops caught me naked on my skateboard, damn this pancreas.

i need to get something off my chest. i read somewhere yesterday about someone trying to convince a mentally ill person to take meds, and they likened it to a diabetic staying on their meds. this argument always makes my blood boil. first of all the 2 disorders are nothing alike. i have insulin dependent diabetes and i have bipolar and some other nutty diagnoses and the psychiatric disorders have absolutely nothing in common with diabetes.

bipolar, if medicated takes away so much of my life. i am not as quick witted as i once was. not as articulate and succinct, which i loved about my writing. when i am medicated i am dull. when i hear music it has no power to transport me to a happy place. when i watch movies i forget i have seen it about 20 minutes after it ended. i can remember what happened 35 years ago but i have to ask someone what i did yesterday.when i look at my paintings they don't make the connection for me anymore and i have no motivation or clarity. i cant see colours like i used to. i just cant feel. i thought the world was an amazing place once. i was excited to be apart of it. i felt connected to every one on some level. lithium may stop me from being manic and it might help my suicidal plans and thoughts . sometimes it gives me appropriate perception. lithium makes me acceptable to other people, and intolerably boring to myself. my mind was important to me, i felt so free and capable as i spoke or read my own writing.taking lithium takes my spark away, my understanding of how i got to this place. lithium robs me of my experience of a colourful, exciting, full of wonder, thrilling life instead of fearing everything. lithium took away something deep inside me that made me who i am.it took away my feelings and for a person who used to look at my feelings to process a situation, i mourn every day for what has been traded. a drug to keep me robotic-ally convenient for people to deal with me  or no lithium and anti psychotics and then all the pills to counter-act the side effects of the other drugs. 

my mind is who i am. its everything to me. i live my life transparently so people close to me can make me aware of symptoms of bipolar kicking in. my mind used to be so active and full of origin thoughts and it was fun to play innocent mind games with those who appreciated that and thought it fun as well. when the kids were younger i used to teach them to explore everything that interfere, drawing, painting, story telling, swimming, dancing, drama, i wanted them to be experiencing boys, not thinking and analyzing robots. now it is their turn to keep me from being a robot. but it's lucky i talk to them so much. they are 2 of the most capable, interesting, supportive kids i have ever known.

anyway, diabetes huh? some people obviously don't know the difference between a brain disorder and a pancreas disorder. last time i checked your pancreas does regulate your sugar intake and it has nothing at all to do with you mind, your identity, you capabilities to see the world so colourfully, no excitement, 

wouldnt it be great if we could take some of the parts of indigenous tribes. the mentally ill probably were the medicine woman or man, or hold some respected place in the tribe. i think they had the right idea. i firmly believe in enrichment as therapy. inclusion with people who have experienced similar traumas as you. activities so far removed from the origin of the trauma and safe to bring out some of the memories with people who could really see you and see it in themselves as well. through enrichment therapy you get to bypass the mind and where it stores you pain , instead it explores your experiences that dictate your feeling, your thinking, your behavior, you mind.

anyway, i came here to talk about the comparison between bipolar and diabetes. lots of people live successfully without meds and bipoar is a fucking disease of your pancreas, not your mind. so quit telling me that meds are compulsory and judging me as having an episode if i try one day to stop taking meds. even if i am walking down chapel street with a sign saying "the end id near, repent now". anywho, the only thing bipolar has in comparison with diabetes is they both SUCK.

see ya later alligators   

Delivering joy and hope

i lived with a man for 8 years who was abusive in every way. i left him carrying 2 children and a bag of clothes. i then found abusive man number 2. he stalked me and constantly criticized me. i escaped from his game like i escaped from marks fist. during the stalking with number 2 man i became catatonic. its not new to me to be catatonic. when i was a young teenager i completly stopped talking to my dad as it was his friends who frightened me and touched me. i froze, my dad was drunk as usual and if i opened my mouth to say what happened , there would be no shortage of angry, beer swilling men to to get stuck into him for having a trouble making daughter. while they molested me they laughed at me and my dad. it hurt the most that they laughed at my dad and all i could think to do was shut my mouth. i didn't come out of my room, i layed in bed suffering stomach pains and flashbacks. after some months my eldest brother decided to take things into his own hand and he began hitting me. it amazes me that people think violence will draw out truth. kids exposed to violence usually have a well inside their bodies that is there to play a part in staying safe. i relied on this catatonic state to get rid of abusive man number 2. i sat at the kitchen table with a radio and listened to music to try to connect with something. i don't know when i stopped sitting at the table but i know i put on lots of weight. i remember driving to my therapists house and stopping on the way to buy some food, any food and i ate and could feel the food travelling down to where i keep my anger and the food suppressed the words of rage and sadness i wasn't ready to talk about yet. 
any way , i judt watched a yutube video aout one womans journey back to health after a chronic illness. the exsersizes theat she had to do are the same i have to do. i am trying, my legs are so weak, i dont have bad upper body strength so thats a bonus. i am gonna put one of the kids in the wheelchair and push the up and down the hallway so i have support with their weight keeping me stable.

i think its time to start being a grown up and stop living in the past. i want to know who grown up jo is and what she can do. with ever left of the dumbell i will reward myself with the prostect of freedon and victory, and the pursuit of happiness.

here is the video that has inspired me.http://www.littlethings.com/holly-gerlach-journey-v2/?utm_source=SOCH&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=inspiring

pineapple

its nice to be back on planet earth with the ability to convey information and receive as well. i didnt realize how sick i was until i started to be better and looked back at myself during the last 2 months. i have been so scared of hospitalization in the nut house. my every day M.O. is to make fun and be fun with my boys. its something i do in my every day life. the more i stay connected in conversation with the boys, the less inclined i am to shut down my ability to receive input and instead i am left to manage hallucinations, i keep quiet about my delusions, dont wanna scare the kids. i've been feverish and unbalanced for such a long time. i am still fighting cellulitis. 

my kids have been champions. so considerate and thoughtful and called to aid my situation time and time again. for about a month i think i was like one of those crazy street people who yell religious ramblings. my kids didn't understand me and all i could do was sit very still, take a deep breath and focus on the words i needed to say what i wanted to say. they took control of my meds because i couldn't. they listened gently with encouragement to what i was trying to say and eventually we got to the bottom of the situation. 

i wanted to convey some important information for carers of mentally ill people. keep a calm and gentle environment so we don't have to be loud to be heard. stick in there with us and just the knowledge that you are there with us and trying is comforting and helps us concentrate and make sense. keep engaging in conversation with us, we may not respond easily but we know you are reaching out to us and that feels good, takes away some of the fear of being locked up in the psyche ward. try to manage our relationships with minor changes from the way we are in normal times. please remember to not take my choices away. i know its not easy to do when my medication has to be managed and i am not making sense. when i am very sick i still need my choices. you can offer me a choice from which to choose an option, so its not overwhelming. keep me involved in how you are doing and together we can piece this jigsaw together and accomplish successful communication, there is great joy in that, sharing each others abilities and keeping faith that this will not last forever. don't take over what i can manage by myself. there's not a lot i can achieve on this planet, except to continue to raise you two beautiful boys. i have taught you some skills in the last 2 months. skills you can apply to any relationship. listen quietly, speak gently, work together, and keep giving me power over my own choices if i am able to manage, if i cant manage some aspect of life by myself please keep me informed of what you have in mind to help me, allow me to be a part of those decisions. don't take my power over my whole life because its easier, i know its easier but inside i mourn for my mind to work because i am spiraling out of control.

i gotta go. its hard to remember and talk about being sick. pineapple is the safe word. PINEAPPLE...cya 

jo oxoxoxox