pineapple

its nice to be back on planet earth with the ability to convey information and receive as well. i didnt realize how sick i was until i started to be better and looked back at myself during the last 2 months. i have been so scared of hospitalization in the nut house. my every day M.O. is to make fun and be fun with my boys. its something i do in my every day life. the more i stay connected in conversation with the boys, the less inclined i am to shut down my ability to receive input and instead i am left to manage hallucinations, i keep quiet about my delusions, dont wanna scare the kids. i've been feverish and unbalanced for such a long time. i am still fighting cellulitis. 

my kids have been champions. so considerate and thoughtful and called to aid my situation time and time again. for about a month i think i was like one of those crazy street people who yell religious ramblings. my kids didn't understand me and all i could do was sit very still, take a deep breath and focus on the words i needed to say what i wanted to say. they took control of my meds because i couldn't. they listened gently with encouragement to what i was trying to say and eventually we got to the bottom of the situation. 

i wanted to convey some important information for carers of mentally ill people. keep a calm and gentle environment so we don't have to be loud to be heard. stick in there with us and just the knowledge that you are there with us and trying is comforting and helps us concentrate and make sense. keep engaging in conversation with us, we may not respond easily but we know you are reaching out to us and that feels good, takes away some of the fear of being locked up in the psyche ward. try to manage our relationships with minor changes from the way we are in normal times. please remember to not take my choices away. i know its not easy to do when my medication has to be managed and i am not making sense. when i am very sick i still need my choices. you can offer me a choice from which to choose an option, so its not overwhelming. keep me involved in how you are doing and together we can piece this jigsaw together and accomplish successful communication, there is great joy in that, sharing each others abilities and keeping faith that this will not last forever. don't take over what i can manage by myself. there's not a lot i can achieve on this planet, except to continue to raise you two beautiful boys. i have taught you some skills in the last 2 months. skills you can apply to any relationship. listen quietly, speak gently, work together, and keep giving me power over my own choices if i am able to manage, if i cant manage some aspect of life by myself please keep me informed of what you have in mind to help me, allow me to be a part of those decisions. don't take my power over my whole life because its easier, i know its easier but inside i mourn for my mind to work because i am spiraling out of control.

i gotta go. its hard to remember and talk about being sick. pineapple is the safe word. PINEAPPLE...cya 

jo oxoxoxox