Saturday, September 5, 2015

Feeling helpless

I thought mental illness was a breeze to work with once i'd had time an energy to get used to it an accept the way I've chosen to live my life. it's not. I've been on antibiotics for over a month to treat cellulitis which is a diabetic related skin infection. i believe that all illnesses live on a continuum, some may be slightly depressed if their partner dies or they have to move house or something violent happens to them. I got mine from spending 8 years with a violent man. 

i cant think straight so this will be brief.  I've been so physically ill that i get around tripping on cords. i hold my breath until i reach my destination for fear of falling and breaking a bone, which would be a nightmare and mean a hospital visit. i see hallucinations all day and all night. some are people i've know. some are animals, both harmful and friendly.


the latest symptom ha been obsessive thoughts about dementia and Alzheimer. i watched my brother endure dementia before he died and it scares me.i have bad spacial recognition, i struggle for words and sentences when i used to be a very articulate person. i cant remember things , i cant communicate with my kids without making myself into a joke so they don't get too scared.but it doesn't work, it seems like overnight my kids have become my careers. I have raised two very robust and physical boys and now they gently move around me, stroke my hair to calm me, listen intently to what i am trying to say so they can understand me. if i need them they come quickly. i need them 3-4 times a night to help me deal with nightmares, bathroom trips, and sometimes just plain old company. i have gone from being an energetic, resourceful, responsible mother to a terrified, out of touch with reality, dependent psych patient. not fair on my kids.

cant write anymore 
xoxoxox

Thursday, September 3, 2015

a bit tired of being sick

i've been sick for about a month. being a diabetic with various mental illnesses, its a long frustrating experience to heal. first i caught the flu from the kids and then i wounded myself on the upper thigh, then i started a course of antibiotics for a month and after a month the wound has still not cleared up.i have noticed a massive change in my physical symptoms being more difficult to heal since i developed diabetes. i have fallen over twice in the last two weeks. i have arthritis in my knees, hips, spine and hands, and i am obese so combining these issue means i cant get up from being flat faced on the floor. i have had to call the ambulance twice in two weeks. they have been really professional and respectful and non judgmental which has helped me in the vulnerable position and dependence on people i don't know for what i consider an embarrassing problem.

my doctor added steroids to my list of pills and the pharmacist added a pill that helps speed skin problems and support good skin growth.and then i think another pill for something else. i feel really emotional and teary. and forgetful and really scared of disgreeing with jesse even though i asked him to be present at every health appointment i have . my mind tells me to control my thoughts without disclosing much and yet i have less and less power of independance every day. it feels like i am getting worse, i forget everything, i cant move around like i used to. i am so aggoraphobic i haven't stepped outside the front door for over five years, i get used to my mental illness, the hallucinations i recognise pretty quickly and i ignore them, the insomnia is pretty bad. i haven't slept in two nights. anyway i cant blog anymor, its does my head in to disclose so much but in some repectsits a blessing, a weight off my shoulders to share.

Jo xoxoxox