Short note

Just a short note for today. I think I was in the midst of a mixed episode last week, maybe even the week before as well. I was hyper and thought many things were absolutely hilarious. I felt like I was working things out for myself and I was working on it from a higher plane of understanding than i could trust anyone else to be familiar with. This is delusional thinking and i never listen to anyone's advice when i am delusional, its gotta run it's course. I interacted with when i felt that i was bright and shiny enough for them to want to play with. I laughed at everything and shared my funniest stories with them. I remembered how much I loved them. I could feel it and it was as deep and as black as the ocean with nothing else in sight but me and them and a whole lot of faith needed to get us in safely.

I don't know when i crashed. Jesse says it was the day before i wrote my second last blog post. I don't really want to read that right now. I am having a hard enough time staying in the present. I don't need to go back and pick apart every word I said and examine it. Kobe came into my room this morning and spoke about what he needed today and he wanted to just say hi. I asked him if he was ok and he nodded his head. I asked him if he knew that i was ok and he just looked at me. i told him that I think I had a mixed episode last week and the weeks before and I wanted to know how he was in relation to that. His eyes welled with tears and he told me he was scared. He was scared it was going to be like it used to be; dangerous and frightening and risk taking and having a mother that was there in body but somewhere far far away behind those eyes. Inevitably that person would have been locked up on the psyche ward and jesse may be seen to be able to be responsible for kobe for the duration of my stay or it would be highly likely that kobe would have been sent to foster care.

Ant who...i am trying to recover so off  i go to recover. its a balancing act thats for sure. See you on the flip side.