Feeling helpless

I thought mental illness was a breeze to work with once i'd had time an energy to get used to it an accept the way I've chosen to live my life. it's not. I've been on antibiotics for over a month to treat cellulitis which is a diabetic related skin infection. i believe that all illnesses live on a continuum, some may be slightly depressed if their partner dies or they have to move house or something violent happens to them. I got mine from spending 8 years with a violent man. 

i cant think straight so this will be brief.  I've been so physically ill that i get around tripping on cords. i hold my breath until i reach my destination for fear of falling and breaking a bone, which would be a nightmare and mean a hospital visit. i see hallucinations all day and all night. some are people i've know. some are animals, both harmful and friendly.

the latest symptom ha been obsessive thoughts about dementia and Alzheimer. i watched my brother endure dementia before he died and it scares me.i have bad spacial recognition, i struggle for words and sentences when i used to be a very articulate person. i cant remember things , i cant communicate with my kids without making myself into a joke so they don't get too scared.but it doesn't work, it seems like overnight my kids have become my careers. I have raised two very robust and physical boys and now they gently move around me, stroke my hair to calm me, listen intently to what i am trying to say so they can understand me. if i need them they come quickly. i need them 3-4 times a night to help me deal with nightmares, bathroom trips, and sometimes just plain old company. i have gone from being an energetic, resourceful, responsible mother to a terrified, out of touch with reality, dependent psych patient. not fair on my kids.

cant write anymore 
xoxoxox