This is the end, my friend

I am having a fucked up week. i thought i was getting healthier but I am not so sure now. i get up slowly and painfully out of bed when I truly need to be up. rheumatoid arthritis means that the longer you spend in one position, i.e bed, you wake up in a lot of pain and for me it means I need help to get out of bed. i am really tired, exhausted. i am arguing with the kids. i tried to explain the when i am crossing the line between hyper-mania and mania, I need to talk to them. talk to them in an immature manner because if I don't talk to someone close to me then i start to fall backwards and withdraw into myself where i reach dizzying heights of crazy talk, delusions of grandeur and hallucinations. I have told all of this to Jesse and he's cool with it and can talk me down sometimes. but Kobe. hes 16 and just starting to make a life for himself, friends, minimum sleep and maximum partying. i told him that if there was alcohol there i want him to stay away from it. we have a code that both boys held onto for their social uncomfortability. if things get out of hand or he just needs to get home for whatever, then he needs to call me. i told him to tell whoever he is with and if they ask for details then just tell them that you forgot something from home, meds, sleeping bag, anything really. as soon as he calls me he is to say "mum i forgot my Ventolin" and when i hear that i know that he is not comfortable. i have told him to use his phone in private and give it 10 minutes and then walk out to the driveway and i'll be there. 

i need to go in a sec. i am really exhausted and just had enough. i have been struggling with cellulitis on both legs for 4 months. my brain is taking advantage of my body's weakness and i am in not coping. cellulitis, arthritis in the knees, hips, spine and hands. and of course there is my mental bullshit. bipolar, schitsoeffective disassociate disorder, PTSD and diabetes. it theirs anything i am missing then so be it i guess. i rely on the pills at the moment. i think if i wasn't as sedated than i have been i would have killed myself. i fantasize about suicide and have plans for about 4 different ways and places to do it. but i cant. i believe that your life is not just your own . everyone you come in close to, when you look at your day think of all the people you have interactions with. i think that if i followed through with throwing myself off a bridge than not only do i leave the boys in a world or trouble for the rest of their lives, but i would hurt the people that are close to me.and for the boys, i imagine them thinking during hard times that mum took a drastic action and took control when she jumped, and i don't want one of my boys to feel that and think that.

anyway i posted way more than i intended today because i'm feeling petty low. so i'll catcha round like a donut.     Jo  xoxoxoxo

ps, the song i am going to play is this is the end my friend. i am plying not out of desire to suicide . i am posting it because the end can also mean a new beginning, and good by to certain repetitive, annoying banter at the kids and not able to stop because i don't want to revert back to hallucinating, unrealistic fears, the thing that always brings me down to a safe place is talking to like minded people and being understood and witnessed to my situation. which includes the boys. its like i am waiting for a disaster,
well i am going. thanks for reading if you did. and i'll catch you later.