work that brain

i've been so negative lately. i tell myself that it's my physical health swaying my mind to a place i have no control over. i started on anti biotics 4 months ago to treat cellulitis, it's a diabetes related skin infection.i could go to hospital and have it treated with iv antibiotics but my agoraphobia is strong and i feel scared , terrified of people when i leave the house. i have not stepped outside this house in 5 years. i have been living like this for so long , and i am such a strong willed person. i have let some heath care workers into my home. at first i did it out of desperation, i was having a bad day i think.then over the period of about 2 weeks i had a GP, an occupational therapist, a physiotherapist and we are waiting for a psychiatrist and a psychologist to return the request favorably.

i had an argument yesterday with jesse as he was telling me what to do and he wanted to distribute my meds like the do in hospital. i am in fight or flight mode. i am on about 35 pills a day and i can manage that myself. 35 pills, 5 injections of insulin a day and its not the pills that are troubling me today and the last week or so. my brain feels like mush. i forget words, little words. i get stuck when i try to describe something. a lot of the time i dont speak unless i know i can do it. my doctor is going to look at my recent bloodwork and trying to take me off some of these meds. i had him at a home visit last week and i told him that i fear my brain isnt functioning well because of the overdose i had not too long ago. 300 xanax i thought i was smart because i've never od'd on a benzos before and i really dont think its possible , unless you take a lot more that i ever have.

i explain to the kids that i was being hideous because i needed to be treated for illness and they are a part of that process by monitoring me a little bit and to be encouraging. one thing i want tolerate is someone taking my meds and distributing them as they see fit. treating me like a psyche patient and talking to me in simple, loud voices and words. i think that my brain isnt working as it should because the last od left me with some brain trauma.

its difficult to image being healthy and able to not be many of those labels that go with the diagnoses. but i am gonna give it a red hot go. i heard a saying once ,it was something like, the end is not what matters ,but the journey in between. i think i will be facing more demons as i embark on physical therapy, i just have to keep my cool and maybe use a safe work with the kids, a word that enables them to tell me to stop.i did that when my brother had dementia and it worked a treat. so i will do it.

jo xoxoxox