i've not been reliable self for some time now, but the last two or three months have been a roller coaster and the haunted house in one. i feel out of control of my mind. i could practice mindfully the things that i do and think. but by the time i realize that i think i am two far gone to change my philosophy. i feels like i am in deep water with who knows swimming below me watching every panic stricken movement my heart rate is racing so hard, the shark takes all this into consideration biding its time for the perfect strike.and like i imagine a shark bite i am feeling thoughts and feelings, and mood swings, and bad dreams,and hallucinations and out of touch with reality.
the other day someone called me on the phone and asked how i was and i went on to tell her with a lump in my throat and trying to sound assertive instead of hysterical. i asked her if she could help me assertively straighten out my brother andrew's fear and panic of dying. i cared for andrew for some time when he was in melbourne. he was very sick.and frightened. i i was with him every day and when i went home he would call me on the phone for reassurance i told the woman on my phone if she would help me make his last days as calm and gentle and loved as he should have been.it was hard for me to imagine speaking to those nurses because , being 1995 discrimination toward people with AIDS was tolerated and people felt it was their right to treat these people like 2nd rate members of society. the woman who had called me ,she listened and tried to reassure me and when i told her about andrew and how i need to help him, she said to me "how can you go to the hospital. what about your agoraphobia. my heart sank and my mind shifted gear as i said "its not 1995 is it. i didnt have agoraphobia then. i dont what i felt, i was panicked and numb. i told the phone lady that i'd just woken up from a dream and thanked her for understanding and trying to talk me down. she knew it wasn't a dream. i knew it was a dream, but thats where we left it. a couple of hours later the phone rang and it was another health care practitioner. she told me that she had spoken to her colleague and she had to speak to me. to see if i was hallucinating, delusional, emotionally stable. my survival skills quickly kicked into gear and i told her not to worry as it was only a dream. i dont really care if she believed me or not. at this stage, i have enough experience with institutions, i know what to say to keep me out of the psych ward.
so i waited for an hour so to straighten myself out and i thanked her for all that she has done for me but i wont be needing hers or any other health care workers for now. its very stressful when someone listens to you or sees you having a hallucination. it is draining and theres a lot of pressure in handling someone like me. i can be talked to to calm me down and back on track. and if they cant manage to do that then they are trained to get psychiatric nurses to come to my home and choose whether or not i need hospitalisation. unfortunately my time to parcipate in the conversation is last, and its all about debunking the health workers in a calm voice, watching them watching me for any sight of my mind running on running on empty. i used to think that i would never go back to the psyche ward but this week i am nit so sure.
this week i have noticed that i am shaking twice as much as i used to. i can be in conversation with one of my kids and in the middle i forget where i was going. that happens to everyone i hear you say, not 10 times a day. yesterday i called my son to my desk claiming that my mouse doesnt work. he had to show me which buttons do what. the friggin mouse only has 2 buttions and a scroll wheel and i've had it for about 5 years. i am having these things happen to me everyday. i forget how to use everything. cannot find the name of what i want and i try while getting a gut clenching urgency to get it together. i have been talking absolute rubbish to my kids, some of it they stand there explaining that what i am saying , dont listen to it , its in your mind. just sit down and take it easy and it will go away. it does go away.i feel so sick with remorse at my kids childhood. caring for their psychiatric unwell mother. i try to make them laugh as much as i can to take the edge off and for my own sake too. if i engage
someone else into my thinking then it leaves no room for the mental jo to shown up and take over.
when andrew was very sick he developed dementia. he was taking about 40 pills a day and its my belief that all those drugs, heavy drugs too, i believe the drugs contributed to his dementia.i have shed tears this week, every time i try to say or do things right. and i have been thinking of andrew, wondering if dementia is in store for me. i too am up to about 30 pills a day. i have to let the phone ring when it calls, if someone knocks at the door i never answer. i am in my own bubble. when i am sick i have all kinds of things to do and say if the psyche team turn up, which they might considering the fact that more or less sacked the 2 heath care workers. well, i have to go. but i very gratefulfor being able to type this blog, even though i need to use spellcheck just about every line. thank goodness i can work the mouse now haha.
jo xoxoxox
p.s. i hope syd barret was happy tending to his garden and being a recluse. i cant help but thinking about him whenever i play pink floyd.
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