my brother Andrew died in 1995. he had dementia for a while before he died. he came to Melbourne because he believed our mother was dying. he was behaving erratically and very confronting. so we made a word as our "you've gone to far" word, it was kumquat. i am so grateful that my big brother who was my hero and protector , he connected with me and he he just knew that i'd be a good carer. it felt natural to look after him after years of him looking after me, getting through school, picking me up from work. the first time he arrived with his motor bike he bought an extra helmet, fire engine red. i loved it, the same colour as my hair.
i think i am going off on a tangent because i don't really know how to write about this without tears dropping from eyes, big,heavy raindrops. i didn't really cry when he died or at his funeral. some years later i was seeing a psychologist and i said "I've been crying all week, sobbing and i don't know why. i cant remember what she said to trigger the reality and reason in my head. when i realize what i was doing it left me stunned, with grief, shocked, my big brother was never gonna be with me as i am passing the age that he died on.
Andrew and i had an unwritten understanding that i would be with him when he died. i spent my days with him and when i went home he called me every hour because he was so scared of dying. it makes me so mad. he gave his Sundays to be an alter boy and it raged inside of me that this man, who is responsible for participating in the first of many programs, he spoke with such passion and awareness. my rage is toward the medical staff at the hospital he was staying at.i called them and i wanted to know that Andrew was calling me every two hours and all he needs is some care and talk him down gently. stop spending your time talking about your week end and do your job. when my dad was dying they gave him a beer every day. Andrew got more pharmaceutical drugs and not even a "how are feeling today, do you want to talk?" i dot know why one of them didn't take the situation in hand and comfort him, touche him, a stoke of the hair, a hand massage, they could have got him the latest Sydney star observer (a newspaper for gay people). i told her to bloody well do it. and the state of his mind is a medical problem, not a direct ploy to interrupt your gossip session. she got it and she went on to change her ways and those of the medical staff on his wing of the hospital.
i knew that death was just around the corner for Andrew. about a week before he dies the father of my kids called me. he had spent all the money on gambling and the horses, and he was telling me i need to come back and help him . there is one thing you need to know about mark. if you say no to him he will be in your ear talking about it, following you around the flat. and then it escalates with throwing objects, grabbing me and cornering me and saying the most hideous, hurtful, abusive things ad it would be then that most of the time. with the stability of my mind and trying to lesson the physical damage to my body and face i am submitted to the coercion i really don't want to speak about what came next. what i really want to say is this man is not a man, he is an animal. and a useless animal .
anyways i decided , to more than gathering rent money. i came back for Jesse who was only 2 years old. i was for the first time frighten for Jesse. he didn't have me at home to protect him. so i went to see Andrew and told him i had to go. and he said nothing because the look in his eyes expressed everything. i still cant believe that i let him down with something important. i have a few regrets in my life and that would be at the top i think. i should have been there. i hated mark for what he did, i should have told him to straighter out the mess he'd made but i wasn't their to protect Jesse and i was afraid mark would be one of those men who take their children and either take the far away and raise them or he would find away to kill the 3 boys , but he wouldn't have to guts to do the same to himself.
the last two paragraphs i rambled on about to a woman who is helping me get it together. she's got a big job to do i'm telling you.i answered the phone to her and she asked me how i was and i want on and on about the treatment Andrew was getting and how he called me every two hours. i was happy to help him and mark made a statement like"Andrew needs to know that you have a family here" Jesus i hate that man. i take full responsibility for my choice to leave Andrew to die without me i will never ever not remember his eyes as they seemed to sink into his skull.i took him in my arms and i felt his love and my love for him.the world can be truly awful sometimes. and i hate mark. some people say you shouldn't hate as all you put out there with what you say is there forever and may be stuck in that groove,hate poisons your body and mind and spirituality, even us atheists have spirituality, if you don't get that , drop me a line and hi''give you the mail.
anywho i have to go. i cant talk about mark.
thank you for reading my blog.
Jo xoxoxox
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