i am so tired of all this bullshit

i can feel bipolar has a little bit of depression waiting around the corner.this morning i cried for so long and about stuff that matters, some stuff causes me so much pain, i absolutely know it'll be coming to the grave with me. so every day this week i have been trying to asuce, with my case manager, a physiotherapist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, thats it i think.   the thing is, i dont think the amount of care matches the the amount of bad blood wherever i go. up until now i have been stoic and ready to do all that i can to break the cycle of violence with my two boys. it feels like it cant be done. i have spent 25 years either defending myself against mark, my ex, and then about 15 years trying to give all that i could to son #1. i felt so guilty for what he'd been through.. you know that saying "give me a boy aged 7 and i'll show you the man...and the next line is something else" i know i am being vague and annoying, i dont know if depression is coming or is it coming with my body under duress thx to a bad case of cellulitis. i know i am out of any sort of routine. i know i am on too many pills. and i know i spend too much time in bed. the only reason i dont top myself tonight is kobe. he is only 16 and hasnt had much of a life, i want to watch him go on his way in life happily, unaffected by all of my sickness, all of his brothers sickness and his fathers too. you know if i was a betting woman i would have put all my cash on getting these kids out of the cycle of violence. i think i failed. i really cant talk anymore, shit is hitting the fan, i dont cope PTSD. in fact all 3 of us have PTSD. its not a go past go and take $200 please.its serious shit, with serious events that their issues are so enmeshed. i gotta go.