i really dont know how i feel. blogging seems to be a way to undo the bad and see the good. but i am starting to feel like closing my bedroom door and staying there. i have enlisted the help or a case manager, an occupation therapist. i am trying to find a psychiatrist who does skyp appointments and bulk bills, i'm pretty sure i wont find that. i've got two chances, buckly's or none. my kids got really aggressive with me last night, telling me i had no capacity to see or remember the truth. i was so shocked that all the things i wanted to say were tightly wound and in no way would all of my anxiety and PTSD can possibly take what they dished out.
i am trying to think of it as their way of letting steam off after dealing for weeks with my erratic personality. i dont know how to educate them further regarding my mental health. i have to allow for their mental illness's too.but for all 3 of us anxiety and rage take over and more often not i am the focus of the rage.i have been this way for so long now, i just dont remember what sort of lives other people really live.
i.m really getting tired of this bullshit. the kids have had all the right counselling and they've played sports in heir spare time. when they decided to be musicians i bought a guitar, a drum kit and they already had a keyboard. that didnt take long to be ignore. i know my life has consistency. my life has almost all about mental illness and trying hard to give my kids a good life. i feel like i have failed miserably. it feels awful, i used to have such passionate vision about o many things that i became aware of in this world. now i never go outside, never answer the phone, if i get a bit sassy and am on the opposite side from jesse in debate all hell breaks loose. i really cannot take even one more terrorizing attack on me, especially while i am sick. i am gonna try to ease the anxiety and various forms of shock.have a nice day xoxoxox
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