what's in a name

everyone knows how i love my boys. jesse, who at the age of 7 became our lookout as he knelt up facing the back window in the car , saying things like he's three cars back mum, we're losing him, faster mum, he's gone, i cant see him. jesse , mine and kobe's protector and jesse the 7 year old kid who demanded to be like the other kids,

i've been transparent with everyone, including my boys since the day we left mark. as they grew they seemed stronger for the truth, their truth, not mine, not their fathers. music and art kept me sane and it helped the kids just as much. i remember kobe walking through the dining room one day and he stopped at my current painting and he looked very intently, looked at me and said "mum you really are angry" kobe had been diagnosed with Asperger, adhd and odd, all of the meant nothing to me, he could read me like a book. he watched me every day singing and dancing and shopping the thrift stores looking for supplies. when he went into himself and rocked to soothe himself , i sat down gently beside him and sang his song, eventually as i rocked to the rhythm of his body i could feel him let go of his anger. time for cuddles, so i ask him if he wants a cuddle and if he did i rocked him like  little baby and watch him go from furious raging to calm soothing hugs from mum. i watched as kobe included himself in activities. he needed me frequently, to guide him and love him.

 decided a little while ago that i was going to tell the boys exactly what illness i had and what the symptom were in case they ever need the information and they were on their own.i am trying to be non confrontational as i write this blog..jesse is pretty reliable and in tune with me. he gets to my side quickly if something is wrong and he deals with it. kobe on the other hand, i think he is scared. when i lose control of my mind he frets and is visibly scared.i try t talk to him afterwards but he goes back into himself and becomes invisible. this week i have calling out to tony, my nephew who  shared my life with until about 11 years old.  all week i have responded to kobe by the name tony. sometimes i call out for tony a dozen times and its really hard to access the name kobe in my memory,it feels good to remember tony and my memories seemed to have clarity. i wish i could go back sometimes and stand up for him and be nicer to him, not cruel and mean.he was like my twin, blonde hair, blue eyes, same big head. i am sorry i didnt take a protective role in tony's life. sorry for tony and sorry for his mum.my dream today is to come across tony and he has a successful career and a happy life.

kobe is fed up with me calling him tony, so fed up he challenged my authority over my own body and mind, i can't let that happen.i used to think that i just needed to get well. i am still waiting for the illness to go away. i know its hard living with a person with mental illness, but think of it this way, its hard for a person with mental illness to live with themselves. kobe left home this morning and hasnt come back. i wish he was in my arms again, like he did when he was 4. little kids <little problems>big kids bigger problems. this problem goes back generations, different people, different spin on it axis. just come home kobe and i will love you and make it better.

love mum xoxoxox  

things you can say to talk down a mentally ill person; are you ok,if you need me i'm  right here, its ok, i am with you and if you can tell me what you need. theres no need to be ashamed, everyone on this planet has something different from the next person. some ppl keep their secret about themselves until the grave. not you and i, we will always be vocally standing tall for inter generational PTSD, crimes against women and children, and the use ot enrichment programs to express them selves safely in the company of peers,