When I became We

I would like to change the tone and talk about my beautiful boys. How i felt carrying them in my body and their delivery into this world. They were two of the most important days of my life. I was one of those women for who pregnancy and the motherhood of an infant suited me down to the ground. I have never felt as happy, healthy and alive as i did when i was expecting my sons. And I was so proud. So proud of my body for growing a new person inside of it. So happy to be connected to my babies within me, as i interacted with them and watched them kick and punch me with their little limbs.When they were born I was the happiest that I'd ever been in my life and I knew that i was meeting my new best friends and lifelong allies, for these boys would receive the best of me and i would stretch myself in life to teach them that that's what you do when you love someone with all your heart. You do the best you can and you teach, honestly, humbly, wholeheartedly and continuously.

My first born, Jesse.I had a dream when i was three months pregnant with Jesse. I dreamt that i was on an old rickety train out in the country.At the end of the line i got out of the train and began walking. I stopped when i came to an old weatherboard farm house. My dad was there waiting for me just outside the barn. It was 1993 so he had been dead for 5 years but not in my dream.I ran to him, so happy to see him and he was just as happy to see me. There were no words that needed to be spoken. We just smiled at this opportunity to be in each others company once more. He said to me "there are some people I'd like you to meet". Two old people walked into the barn. An old man wearing denim jeans and a flannel shirt and an old lady wearing a floral dress and an apron.They were lovely. The woman was carrying a swaddled baby. She approached me and said "Here is your baby. We want you to visit with him for a spell". I took the swaddled baby carefully from her arms and i met my Jesse for the first time. He was perfect. He was sleeping soundly and so at ease. He had fat little cheeks and a round soft little head covered in fine dark blonde hair. His little hands were fat and dimpled and clenched into fists up under his chin, i do that sometimes too i thought. I was in love instantly. My dad watched over me proudly as i found love with this new child. The old lady said to me "you can have your baby back in six months. We just want you to know that we are looking after him for you". She smiled sweetly at me and put her arms out to take my boy. I handed him back and her and her  husband and my baby walked off and into the house. I knew Jesse would be ok. My dad watched over the whole situation and he was happy so that was good enough for me. We said our goodbyes/ It wasn't sad. It was only a temporary thing, now that i knew i could see him in my dreams. I began my trip home with the sunlight warming me and a smile on my face.

Six months later my labour began on a sunday night. Small contractions but being my first baby i was so excited that it was impossible for me to sleep at all until he was born on the tuesday morning. I don't know what i expected of childbirth but i know now that for me, the thought that pops out to explain that labour is "i really did not imagine it was possible for a human to be in that much pain and live". I believe that people are so strong and their characters are determined so early that their births, their lives and their deaths are all typical of who they are. Their humanity is clearly there to see if you choose to look. My Jesse was sleepy and content and oblivious to other peoples' fuss. He was delicious. He still is. Strong, sturdy. contemplative, determined and unwilling to budge unless he sees love guiding him. Consequently he was a forceps delivery because i was too damn young and afraid and experiencing pain akin to burning alive, or so i'd been told and at that point in my labour, i believed. Needless to say I was glad that part of my mothering was over. He was so soft and gentle. i held him mesmerized by his dreamy chubby little face and i held him close to my body keeping him content.  So now I try to remember this first lesson that Jesse taught me, and I guide him with love and encouragement.And keep him warm and content and then i see the best of Jesse. His courage and wisdom and protective nature. I look forward with a mother's pride to learning more from him as the years go by and I will love him and shine a light for him to glow in and be the best he can be. I love you my Jesse. You have kept me on my toes and you have given me what I needed to learn to love well.

Kobe was born when i was 29 years old. I remember being fiercely determined during his pregnancy to be as healthy and in control as i could be. I was physically fit. I swam laps of the public pool every day for an hour and i walked everywhere. I ate all the right foods and tuned in to him as much as i could each day. I knew this baby was going to be big in character, i could feel it. Towards the end of my pregnancy he would swallow amniotic fluid and get the hiccups. Every day at the same time this would happen. You could see him jump with each hiccup as you watched my belly. I came to the conclusion that he was stressed at this time of day and sucking to soothe himself and taking in too much fluid, so i laid down in bed in the afternoons to give him rest and quiet time. That seemed to work. I didn't have any significant dreams during Kobe's pregnancy I did however just know that he was going to be ok. He had his big brother to look after him. He was fierce and strong, and I was in my prime and knew what i was in for this time.

Kobe's labour was fast, like Kobe. 10 minutes after arriving at the hospital and he was born. I was so focused on getting this little boy out of me that i did not say a word, just listened and concentrated. I don't remember it being painful as much as it was just hard work. So it was easier to focus and do what i had to do. When he was delivered i was amazed as he had a cone shaped head, like that movie with Dan Akroyd, the cone-heads. I watched his head round out right before my eyes as the plates of his skull moved into place.. The midwife put him underneath me as i knelt over him and welcomed my new boy into the world. He was spectacular. He had his little hands clenched and his limbs were flailing and he was not crying, he was raging furiously. I was amazed from the first second I saw him. I tried to coo at him and tell him that it was ok and he didn't need to yell so loud. I was crying and laughing at the same time. I touched him, kept cooing at him and i noticed his hands and feet were huge. He reminded me of a german shepherd we once had when i was a kid and as a pup we all knew it was going to be a big one once she grew into those paws. The paws and the serious displeasure at being out of his nice warm womb were enough to have me laughing as i enjoyed meeting and comforting my new, loud, angry, raging son..He remains a loud, fast paced, has no inhibitions kinda guy. He is always authentic and you never have to guess how he is feeling. He will let you know in 0.63 seconds. If i had one wish for every woman in the world it would be that they could have an experience like mine and Kobe's of childbirth.Kobe I love you my darling. You are a force and a comfort and everyone who knows you is fortunate for that gift.

The song that I want to play today is the song that I sang every day and night to soothe both boys and rock them to sleep with.