I flew over the cuckoos nest

I want to talk about mental illness and the way it is treated. My general practitioner handles my medication choices and monitors my well being. I don't want to be in the psyche services as i was for a few years last decade. I have had some bad experiences with psych services and i don't want my fragile mental stability to be in the hands of people who , to them, you are just a number. I am happier at home with my kids...they help me be myself and be ok. Some times my G.P shakes his head and says "you are a very complicated person". I guess he is out of his comfort zone with me and believes a psychiatrist is required. I received a letter today from the psyche team wanting to make an appointment to see me. The psyche team have the immediate power to lock me up on the ward. 

My situation is this, i have bipolar, schizoaffective disorder, PTSD , dissociative disorder and agoraphobia. Many people with psychiatric disorders find that after some time they develop physical disorders as well. The instability, lack of genuine enrichment in their lives, often they are without family and friends, The massive amounts of hormones like cortisol attack the body quietly but effectively. I have insulin dependant diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis. So my poor G.P has the frightening position of treating all these illness effectively with medications that will work together.

I think my problem is just too damn big. i have all of these disorders which render me incapacitated and when outsiders in the health field see me and get to know me they soon come to the conclusion that I am too hard to handle and they refer me on to someone else. or they lock me up in the nut house and drug me to the eyeballs and once i calm the hell down and submit to their thinking , they will let me go. I do not want to go back to the hospital. I do not want the psyche team to refer to a private psychiatrist. I do not want the care of myself handed over to someone whose job it is to sedate me and make me compliant.

Psyche hospitals are not nice places. I've been to the ones with high white ceilings, whit walls and white floors and if you look down the corridor while doped up on largactil (thorazine in the USA)you will feel like you're in a giant wormhole. There is wire covering all windows and doors. so we don't kill ourselves I guess. These hospitals look like the set of one flew over the cuckoo's next. Then there's the newer wards. They have more in the way of creature comforts and they have carpet at least. No amount of creature comforts make a damn difference.Its all cosmetic. There may not be wire all over the window but the windows and doors in the newer places wont break or shatter. It is highly unlikely that residents will charge past you and hit you to the ground as they try to escape, there's no escaping the old state hospital as you too doped up to think.

The state hospital sent me home.The newer hospital sent me to a private psychiatrist. After a couple of sessions i decided to google this guy . He was recently before the medical board for drugging, raping and threatening to commit a patient. As i read the transcripts of the case i recognized in the victims words the grooming that i shared with her. he was certainly all of the things she had said that he was including very interested in the intimate details of sexual assaults. I was unable to go back to him after finding this information. As soon as i stopped seeing him, rather abruptly, he began calling my house and being vaguely threatening if i did't send the cheque for his last three sessions. I couldn't make myself send him anything so i gave the envelope to someone else to post, Anyway while i had been feeding a monster details of my own assaults the transcripts of his case read that he was to be temporarily relieved of his patients care while he has 18 months without a licence.And his victim gets life, a life of hell.

I can't finish this post. it takes me to a dark place when i remember some of this. So i will see you next time.