It's nearly 4.30 am and i haven't slept much, maybe 3 hours in total. This is becoming a habit of mine that i was hoping to break with my doctor's help. I started a new anti psychotic over a week ago and i thought it had kicked in sometime around the middle of this week, and then i received a letter from the local psyche team telling me that they will be contacting me to schedule an appointment for an assessment. That generally means that someone in a health care profession has highly likely to have listened to me on the phone and decided that i was not in my right mind and they've placed a fucking psychiatric fatwa on me because my voice sounds anxious and i am extremely forgetful right now. So now i must wait out the weekend and contact the psyche team and tell them to back off.My mental health is not perfect but I know I don't require hospitalization.
The thing with the psyche team is that once you've been under their microscope once or been locked up in a psyche ward you never really get them off your back. I have been working toward being off the psychiatric grid for about four years now, and i was doing really well, well for me that is. I am happy to manage my well being and medication with my G.P. but as a person living in poverty it is necessary to reach out to certain services for the welfare of the kids, the needs of the kids and the reassurance that in the event that you do need something you have a ally.Someone has taken it upon themselves to decide, without knowledge of my current medical situation whereby i am testing out a new drug to address some pretty heave issues. So I am not at my best. Making me deal with the psyche team is just amping up the anxiety and hallucinations.
I just get so damn angry at these people. I feel like I am an inconvenience to the world they live in and they lock me up and dose me up. I hate being doped up It feels like someone just punched into your body and ripped out what ever it is about you that makes you you.It makes me feel hollow inside. It leaves me unable to think. unable to feel. The first time i was locked up I was 19 and i remember sitting down , hunched over and not able to respond to my sister while she visited me. i remember looking up at her and she was crying and i was unable to connect with any feelings about that. The only awareness I had was when I saw her I acknowledged in,my mind that she was crying. and i looked away and dropped my head again. That was probably one of the worst days of my life. I was scared. I didn't know if I would come back from this zombie state. Enough blogging for today. I'm sure i'll have more to say about the psyche team in the near future. take care out there, don't go nuts, unless you are loaded with money. In that case you can call yourself eccentric and say all the things they want to hear and they'll happily send you on your way knowing that you will go and not be anyone's problem.
P.S. no picture today as I am not feeling the love.
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