i believe i've had a break through. for the last 15 i've slept with lights on all over the house and each tv left on. the last words my ex said to me all those years ago were "i am gonna find you and when i do i am gonna blow your fucking face off your head. and when i get out jail i am gonna come back and do it again" after eight years of violence from this man i believed his threats. 

so i was diagnosed with PTSD. i used to sit on the edge of my bed half the night and make myself ready for him to find me and do me harm. 15 years of that. i was consumed with how to ensure my family's survival should he turn up. i put a jar of ammonia on a shelf next to the door to splash his face and buy me some time. i had the car keys on a hook by the back door and slip on shoes for me and the kids. i took some nails out of the back fence so we could fit through and run to the car. most of the time after the kids had gone to school , i would sit on the sofa with a clear view of the driveway, it was like i was in a trance, i couldnt move. i was so sure he'd find us.

anyway, back to the break through. i decided it was time to turn the tv's off and the lights off and get into bed and try to sleep. 7 hours later i woke up. i haven't had 7 hours sleep since i was a teenager. i was impressed with my efforts. another symptom of PTSD gone.  i feel like i've made a grown up step forward. right now i tell myself that it's my PTSD, my mental health , not his anymore to hit and throw things at and all that he did. so its my diagnoses, not his. and with that awakening i tested out my thoughts and thats when the 7 hours of sleep happened. i am really happy to know that i can take my mind off those frightening, mind fucking days that i spent giving him my energy, my time, my fear, my obsession with keeping the 2 kids safe .

to anyone who reads this and has PTSD, i want you to know that it gets easier with time. hang in there and stay safe.

jo xoxoxox