bipolar, if medicated takes away so much of my life. i am not as quick witted as i once was. not as articulate and succinct, which i loved about my writing. when i am medicated i am dull. when i hear music it has no power to transport me to a happy place. when i watch movies i forget i have seen it about 20 minutes after it ended. i can remember what happened 35 years ago but i have to ask someone what i did yesterday.when i look at my paintings they don't make the connection for me anymore and i have no motivation or clarity. i cant see colours like i used to. i just cant feel. i thought the world was an amazing place once. i was excited to be apart of it. i felt connected to every one on some level. lithium may stop me from being manic and it might help my suicidal plans and thoughts . sometimes it gives me appropriate perception. lithium makes me acceptable to other people, and intolerably boring to myself. my mind was important to me, i felt so free and capable as i spoke or read my own writing.taking lithium takes my spark away, my understanding of how i got to this place. lithium robs me of my experience of a colourful, exciting, full of wonder, thrilling life instead of fearing everything. lithium took away something deep inside me that made me who i am.it took away my feelings and for a person who used to look at my feelings to process a situation, i mourn every day for what has been traded. a drug to keep me robotic-ally convenient for people to deal with me or no lithium and anti psychotics and then all the pills to counter-act the side effects of the other drugs.
my mind is who i am. its everything to me. i live my life transparently so people close to me can make me aware of symptoms of bipolar kicking in. my mind used to be so active and full of origin thoughts and it was fun to play innocent mind games with those who appreciated that and thought it fun as well. when the kids were younger i used to teach them to explore everything that interfere, drawing, painting, story telling, swimming, dancing, drama, i wanted them to be experiencing boys, not thinking and analyzing robots. now it is their turn to keep me from being a robot. but it's lucky i talk to them so much. they are 2 of the most capable, interesting, supportive kids i have ever known.
anyway, diabetes huh? some people obviously don't know the difference between a brain disorder and a pancreas disorder. last time i checked your pancreas does regulate your sugar intake and it has nothing at all to do with you mind, your identity, you capabilities to see the world so colourfully, no excitement,
wouldnt it be great if we could take some of the parts of indigenous tribes. the mentally ill probably were the medicine woman or man, or hold some respected place in the tribe. i think they had the right idea. i firmly believe in enrichment as therapy. inclusion with people who have experienced similar traumas as you. activities so far removed from the origin of the trauma and safe to bring out some of the memories with people who could really see you and see it in themselves as well. through enrichment therapy you get to bypass the mind and where it stores you pain , instead it explores your experiences that dictate your feeling, your thinking, your behavior, you mind.
anyway, i came here to talk about the comparison between bipolar and diabetes. lots of people live successfully without meds and bipoar is a fucking disease of your pancreas, not your mind. so quit telling me that meds are compulsory and judging me as having an episode if i try one day to stop taking meds. even if i am walking down chapel street with a sign saying "the end id near, repent now". anywho, the only thing bipolar has in comparison with diabetes is they both SUCK.
see ya later alligators
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